I drove back to my house. We crashed here all the time, so the girls built their own apartments next to my house.
My tires screeched to a stop as I jumped out of my car, leaving the keys in the ignition. I ran up the steps of my house, dodging the columns rising up to the sky, or so it seemed like, with ivory growing up the sides. I could hear the girls behind me, so I transformed into my pixie form.
I needed to punch something.
I took flight, not worrying if any mortal saw me- we were miles back into the woods, and the mist shielded me from them- but even if they did I wouldn’t care. I was tired of being constantly on alert, for the world to be exposed to supposedly mythological creatures! Yeah, right!
I transferred my anger into the front of my body, mostly to my fingertips. There I can get the most power to spew from me. I blasted the trees with my black magic. My ‘special ability’ was to be able to harness evil, if the evil didn’t harness me.
When I was in pixie form, nothing mattered but not killing anybody, except the brownies of course. We would have let them in peace, if they hadn’t destroyed our mother…
They will all pay.
With my senses being alert, I could hear my friends all the way in the back of the field, maybe four and a half miles, maybe more. They were worried. We could also feel each others senses. I hated it too.
I stopped when something glittery caught my eye in the field.
I swooped down with my grace and picked it up in one fluid motion. It was a gold heart shaped necklace. It was very beautiful, and I could feel the history rolling off of it in waves. Mesmerizing!
My friends caught up to me in a blink, sensing my change in mood that it was safe to be around me.
“What is that?” Emily asked suspiciously.
“I’m not sure. It’s a heart necklace.”
“No! Really? We had no idea!” Rachel said with thick sarcasm, rolling her eyes.
The necklace was emitting some strange power. I felt it when I touched it. My eyes narrowed.
“Here, hold this.” I said to Amanda, thrusting the necklace to her.
“I feel weird when I touch it. But, It’s a good weird…”She trailed off, too afraid to say what we all were thinking.
It was one of the five necklaces of Castra.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hmm. You got quite off topic when you randomly popped in the fact that the brownies had killed/destroyed their mother. It was very alarming when I was happily reading about their apartments and suddenly the character starts on why she hates the brownies. In this chapter you kind of skipped around. Maybe better transitions would do this chapter some good. Otherwise, I felt as if I did get the necessary information. It's okay if you make this chapter longer too. This is going to be a chapter book and half a page of info isn't going to cut it anyway. I'm sorry if I was being a bit harsh.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Dun, dun, dun! The plot Thickens! :O
This chapter feels a little rushed, as others have stated, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that, if you know how to use it. This chapter had that Maximum Ride feel, but I've been re-reading that too much lately. xP
Overall, it's a good developement, but I think it would help if you explained what these "Brownies" are. I keep thinking they're the edible kind, and then I get hungry. @.@
I don't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, so keep up the good work! ^^
-Poppy
As other people have said, your main character has been well developed, but you need to develop the other pixies more. What I noticed was that it would be nice if you did more with the plot line, and maybe gave us a bit more background. This second bit had to little to really review. I did like your last line though, how you told us what it was without haveing your characters state it blandly. Good job overall.
Wow, interesting development. I’m definitely getting more of a sense of your main character, now, and her angry reaction blasting through her previously slick and cool personality adds another dimension to her. I actually felt a lot more sympathy for her and related to her a lot more now that I can see that she has flaws as well, and that she has a struggle to overcome and that she has something that drives her. She’s not a flat character anymore, and that’s a great thing to hear.
Plus, oooh, conflict! Delicious conflict! I think there are few better ways to show the mixture of personalities within a group than showing us their different ways of dealing with an internal conflict, and you dealt with it well, here. Especially when it came to the main character… she has something separating her from the rest, that’s clear from her hatred of their linked minds. In some way, she’s the odd one out of the group, once again, making her a good deal more sympathetic.
I did feel, though, that this chapter was a little rushed and tossed this conflict away a little quickly. It might be to your advantage to show a little more of how the other members of the group react to the main character’s fit of anger, maybe showing some as angry right back at her for making them worry, or some as nervous around her, worrying that she might explode at them. After all, secondaries that are this close to the main character are really important, and I feel like they could use a little more development… right now, to be honest with you, I can’t remember their names or think of any distinctive characteristics between them.
I also have to say I'm a bit confused about the setting for this chapter... first they were in a house, then an apartment, then the woods, leaving me a bit lost. Perhaps that could e cleared up a bit...?
In any case, the plot has definitely taken an unexpected turn, and I’m still curious to hear more about exactly what is going on: I want to know exactly what the brownies did to make them so unforgivable, what makes the necklace so unique and important, all that. Your plot works well because it always appeals to my curiosity, and, having seen the developments in this chapter, I’m eager to see what your characters do now.
So, in short, a strong chapter, and it really shows off what you’re capable of. ^_^ This story has got enormous potential, and I hope it reaches that potential—I’ll be back, if at all possible, for chapter three.
ummm, well, they all wanted to have their seperate rooms, so they built an apartment next to my Alexis's House!
Ooh, very interesting development. I'm liking your characters. Very nice development going on with them. Interested to learn more about these necklaces... very interesting. I do have a question, though. What the hey's an appartment complex doing back and tucked away in the woods? Or is the town itself in the middle of the woods? That would make a bit more sense. Maybe put something more talking about how she goes a ways more into the woods, deeper and away from the populated area. Otherwise we go from city to forest, and we're like, whoa-- what?
Just a minor thing. Also, probably make your posts a tad bit longer, so we have more to review, more to look at. 
'side from those two niggling things that are easily changed, chapter looks pretty darn good! 
As always, lemme know when the next one's up. ^_^